Quote of the Week:

"A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be."
-Albert Einstein

10 Ways to Spot a Douchebag

Saturday, August 20, 2011

flickr: joshparent
10. Tattoos

The placement of tattoos is important to a douchebag because it’s a advertising strategy to show off their perfect bodies. The tattoos are usually located on the biceps, stomach, forearms, and shoulders. There are four major trends of douche-stamps: the star, the tribal, the asian symbol and the barbwire-any of which will be enough to qualify you to be a douche.

9. Muscles

I have nothing against people with big muscles. I encourage everyone to hit the gym once in a while to stay in shape, but what I do not appreciate is the show-off attitude typical of douchebags. If you see someone kissing their biceps and calling them 'guns,' chances are you’re in the presence of an almighty douche.

8. Duckface

The douchebag smile, known as a duckface (or ducklips), is an instant giveaway. A duckface is when someone pushes his lips out to make them look plumper. Entire websites and Facebook pages have been dedicated to the ridiculous art of duckfacing. Doing it once doesn't make you a douchebag, but if you took the picture yourself, you probably should delete that picture just in case.

7. The Gang

Only a douchebag (or a really easy girl) could appreciate another douchebag and since they love nothing more than to show off, they obviously prefer to move in packs of three or more. It’s a good thing that they hang in small groups because they are easier to spot and therefore easier to avoid.

6. Social Networks

Douchebags love to take pictures to immortalize their everyday moments. On social networks such as Facebook, Twitter, or Myspace, you can easily identify a douchebag by the high amount of bare-chested pictures and the muscle flexing poses (look out for the duckface, too).

5. Car

Although they would greatly benefit from a personality tune-up, douchebags instead prefer to invest what little money they have in car tune-ups. The most common additions to their car will be sport skirts, super-sized rear spoilers, noisy cherry-bomb mufflers and sub woofers large enough to set off every car alarm on the street.

4. Man Jewelry

A plethora of cheap jewelry is another sign of douchebaggery. Look for cheap silver chains, Livestrong armbands, seashell necklaces, oversized watches and diamond earrings. For reasons unknown to me, douchebags also wear their sunglasses inside/at night when there’s clearly no need to.

3. Tan

Normal (smart) people try to get healthy tans from controlled exposure to sunlight. Douchebags, on the other end, aim for a dark orange tan that has Oompa Loompa written all over it. Mole Patrol is your friend, douchebags--catch that skin cancer before it catches you!

2. Hair

The typical douche haircut includes a lot of gel, hairspray and spiked hair, especially in the front portion. Also watch out for mohawks, faux-hawks and those foolish shaved lines that look ridiculous.

1. Clothing

Anyone proudly wearing Ed Hardy, Tapout or Affliction t-shirts are automatically worthy of the douchebag title. The pink polo with the popped collar is also one of their all-time favorite attire. In any case, a douchebag always wears shirts that are at least two sizes smaller than what he should really wear in order to show off their bulging muscles.

P.S. In an attempt to deflate the ego of douchebags, and discourage their behavior, all pictures of said douchebags previously added to this post have been removed.
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