"There are no straight men. Only men who have not met Jack."

"Just Jack!"

“Darling…you, like your waist size, are not in your early thirties anymore.”

“What are we in line for? God, from the looks of this crowd I hope it’s birth control.”

"Women, can't live with 'em... end of sentence."

“While we’re here, can we check out lesbian erotica? I’m still trying to figure out exactly what it is they do.”

"His name is Paul and he is cute with a capital Q!"

“I’m the pooch with the cold, wet snout. If you sniff my butt, then I’ll ask you out. Word to the bitch.”

"Will, I told you. You live with a hetero long enough, you’re going to catch it."

"Guys don’t make passes at guys with fat asses."

"Some people are born to dance, you were born to drink. If you could cut a rug like you lift a mug I'd have something to work with."

"It's beautiful. It's like a butt."

"Now, you will sit here on the freak bench with the other weirdos! No offense girls. Today's weirdos are tomorrow's talk show hosts and sensitive singer/song-writers."

"I forgot where I'm goin with this, but the point is me likey he and he likey me and the best part is... , schezam!"

"Oh, Peter Paul and Mary I'm going down."

Have you ever had a nightmare that just shook you to your absolute core?

Last night, I experienced the most bizarre/stomach-churning nightmare I've ever had. Here's how it went...

My parents and I were sitting in the living room. It was 'our house,' but it wasn't like the house we live in now. It had the same layout, but everything was wider and taller. I felt the urge to use the restroom and excused myself from the conversation. When I opened the bathroom door, it was 10 times the size of our real-life bathroom. I look up and see my sister hanging from the ceiling. When I say hanging, I don't mean voluntarily by her arms or her legs. A noose was a around her neck on one end of the rope and the other was tied around the ceiling fan.

In shock, I looked down to avert my eyes and see an older woman sitting on the toilet with her hands reached out to me and a her pale face frozen in fear. That's when I let out a noise that I don't think I can adequately describe in words. It was an unequivocal release of pure fear and misery. I woke up letting out the same scream as in my dreams, shaking. It felt so real, I had to lie there and just absorb what had happened--or I guess I should say what had not happened.

Maybe I should take it easy on the horror movies...

100,000

We've officially reach 100,000 views! That may not be as much as other blogs, but it's still crazy to me. I started this little blog almost 2 years ago just for fun, and it's come a long way. Thanks for reading, and I hope you continue the wild journey with me.

One month ago today, on December 4th, I lost my most beloved pet. His name was Cody and he was a Golden Retriever.

Cody had been sick for a while--at first the veterinarian thought he had pneumonia. After the antibiotics didn't help, the x-rays determined that Cody had lung cancer, and the vet said it was up to us how long we wanted him to live. He wouldn't just go on his own. For the sake of Cody, we only kept him alive as long as he wasn't suffering. It would have been selfish to keep him alive any longer if he was only going to suffer.

So, ultimately we had to say goodbye.

When I was in 8th grade, we were assigned to write a poetry book, and one of the poems could be about anything we wanted. I chose to write about Cody.

He runs and plays and eats all day
He is a loyal dog and will never run away
He whines for me every day I come home from school
When I say "Do you want to eat?" he licks his chops and drools
He likes being in the car and going on a ride
He always wants to be where you are and never leave your side
He loves to eat cauliflower and any other food
Sometimes he'll burp really loud and then you'll say "How rude!"
His fur is shiny and looks like honey
He chases his tail and it's really funny
He whines and gets excited when he meets someone new
He's a good dog and he doesn't chew on shoes
Some nights he'll sleep on the couch
When he wakes up he's never a grouch
He likes to play with his dog friend Obie
No other dog will ever replace Cody

Love at first sight.


He knew to ring the bell whenever he needed to go outside.


Sleeping on the register was his favorite during the summer.


Or you know, he'd just sleep wherever.