"Hey, hey, hey. Come on! I know what guilt is. It's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything. You know, like maternal or addiction."
"Grace! It's Christmas for goodness sake! Think about the baby Jesus. Up in that tower letting his hair down, so that the three wise men could climb up and spin the dreidel and see if there's six more weeks of winter!"
"You say potato, I say vodka."
"OK, Rule number 1: Unless you're served in a frosted glass, never come within 4 feet of my lips."
"Oh honey somebody got some flowers...or as i like to call them "poor people's jewelry."
"Honey, whats this, whats happening, whats going on here?"
"Oh... So, Wilma, honey, listen. I forget, what are you these days, gay or straight? Wait, wait, wait. Let me do a little test. Okay, there's a penis and a vagina in a tent. And it's on fire. Which do you save?"
"Oh, Honey. You're simple, you're shallow and you're a common whore. That's why we're soul mates."
"I'm gonna be so mad when my mood elevators wear off."
"God didn't give me the ability to play the piano, or paint a picture or have compassion. But... he did give me the ability to crack a walnut with my hoo-ha."
"I want a man who can make a woman feel like a girl. And who can make that girl feel like a slut. And who can make that slut feel like a woman."
"You'll do it like every self-respecting woman does. Get on your back, point your heels to Jesus and think of hand bags."
"Excuse me, lady, would you happen to have a breath mint? You do? Well, pop it in your mouth, woman. It's not doing any good in your purse!"
"So inappropriate... smoking in the office. Would anyone mind if I took my boob out for a second?"
"Good Lord. I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me?"
