"Accept the things you cannot change, BITCH!"
- Val

"Grace, it's what I do. And you're who I do. I just want to be able to do who I do while I do what I do."
- Leo

"Up yours, Count Drunkula."
- Rosario

"I'm wearing your dirty bathwater in a vial around my neck."
- Val

"Whenever my friends and I talk about who works for the craziest bitch, I always win."
- Rosario

"Will, I just want you to know that I'll do everything I can to make her as happy as you have...plus sex."
- Leo

"Look, look, no panty line because.... no panties."
- Bobbi Adler

"Grace, I don't don't know how things work with the very modern relationship between you two, but in the great state of Texas you'd be considered a bitch."
- Harlin


"Miss Adler, how dare you come into my home and desecrate the day I have set aside to celebrate my wife's death!"
- Beverly Leslie

"You are the brightest angel in all of heaven. Also, I would love so much to get in your pants."
- Scott Wooley

"Oh Grace, have you seen this new show Desperate Housewives? My friends and I play this drinking game when we watch it. You know, one shot every five minutes."
- Marilyn Truman

"Have you ever been to Canada? It's like Michigan without any culture."
- James

"Why don't I just squeeze you like a sponge? There's enough alcohol in you to fill a hot tub."
- Rosario